Short quips I found funny

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Cruel…

(Review for a new tenor) "His upcoming recording of Mendelssohn's Song Without Words is eagerly awaited."


Too many to list…

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

If you head over to Twitter, and visit the page of @DavidMMuscat@DavidMMuscat, you will see why I have not tried to transcribe more than one of his marvelous quips…. I'd have to dedicate a page to the project!


Give Him a laugh…

If you want to make God laugh, tell him you've got plans.

(From "I am Pilgrim", good bio-terrorism novel by Terry Hayes)

From same novel…

Computers don't lie. But liars compute.


Is this un-PC yet?

Not to diminish the problem to society of alcoholism, but…

Caffeine made life great… but alcohol bade it metter.

In related news: Oh no! The mighty Google Search Engine let me down! The quip above reminded me of an hilarious comedy routine from the 1960's that took a fairy tale involving "ugly god mother", and twisted that, as I recall, into "fugley gugmother". Usually, Google both reads my mind and ignores nay tpyos. But… have you noticed? It is historically ill-informed. Like the children who have built it, it has vast areas of ignorance if you look back to before 2000. Maybe I mis-recalled the comic version of the fairy tale?


Use of English 1

Title on a book: Grammar: The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t


Use of English 2

The city fathers (and mothers) of London are trying to promote the use of bicycles on the city's lethal roads. In spite of more than a cyclist dying every day.

On the back of a bus…

Cyclists: stop at red lights

Good theory. It would be nice if the cycle promoters could say…

Cyclists stop at red lights

… and if the prosecution of law flaunting cyclists was as robust as the prosecution of motor vehicle users.


YACollection Of Signs….

Yes, I know. There are many, many collections of funny signs. But….

Funny signs

…. had a bunch I hadn't seen, e.g….

On a shop offering oil changes….

Come in Today! Don't let the dinosaurs die in vain.


Makes you proud…

On being told that one of his ministers was frolicking (a euphemism, don't you think?) in St James' Park, Churchill replied…

On the coldest night of the year? It makes you proud to be British.

Taken up by…. Michael Palin? John Cleese? Jeremy Clarkson? At least one of these greats.

(For those who don't know the difference between "British" and "English": I refer you to the sadly under followed Flanders and Swann (see You Tube): If it is GOOD, it is British, as in "British climbers reach summit of Everest". And it if it BAD, then it is English, as in "England loses The Ashes… again".)


Musicans on critics

Prokofiev once said of one of his symphonies that it was written as "a challenge to tease the geese," by which he meant the critics. ("The internet" doesn't seem to be able to agree as to which symphony that was!)

And then there's Sibelius, who asked "Has anyone ever put up a statue of a critic?"


Man wrong?

From a Ted Talk by Ken Robinson (How schools kill creativity)

If a man says something in the woods, and there's no woman within 200 miles, is he still wrong?


Advanced electronics

When you have grasped this, you will know a lot about electronics.

Everything electronic runs on smoke. The wires and components have masses of smoke compressed in them.

My eveidence? What happens when you let the smoke out? The device stops working, doesn't it?

(The joke is not original to me… someone at the Arduino forum has it as his "sig". Apologies for not troubling to go off and find which one it was.)


The bear facts

A sign that is spreading. This example was said to come from a campground in British Columbia…

"Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

"We advise the outdoorsman to wear noisy little bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.

"We also advise people using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with them is case of an encounter with a bear.

"Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper."


Warning sign someone might heed….

Danger! Do not touch!
Not only will this kill you, but it
will HURT the whole time you are dying


Getting The Job Done

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.

- Henry Ford

I heard it suggested that it is no coincidence that Ford invented the assembly line near Chicago. The suggestion was that he was inspired by the cow "dis-assembly" lines in the big industrial meat packing plants.

My little contribution to the science of time and motion management is this secret of house painting: To get that job done: Keep the brush moving.


Here's to you, Irene

This one is a lot longer than most of what you will see here. It arose in the aftermath of hurricane Irene, 28/29 September 2011 in Connecticut…

We lost it when Irene blew through
Wi-Fi, laptop, iPad, too
On my Kindle, no bars found
Oh lord, the Internet is down

My Facebook friends no longer poke
I cannot tweet a single joke
My iTunes offer not a sound
Now the Internet is down

I finally fix that yellow chair
Clean my office, wash my hair
Then I wander all around
Now the Internet is down

The library's packed. And Starbucks, too
I need my fix. Can I sit here too?
Is Wi-Fi in another town?
Now the Internet is down

You know, this thing could change my life
That woman there? Seems she's my wife
I wondered why she hung around
Now the Internet is down

I have a daughter! Son! It's true!
A family. Job. Good grief, who knew?
I feel better. My mind is sound
Now the Internet is down

I'll search the house and find a nook
To finally read that Hawking book
My thoughts are clear, my soul unbound
Now the Internet is down

I'll study Zen. Take up guitar
I'll search for wisdom near and far
To Internet's death, I raise my cup
Wait. Never mind. It came back up


Patriotism

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it

- George Bernard Shaw

I saw this in a sidebar at indiafirsthand.com, a site with some interesting and intelligent discourses. One that interested me…

http://indiafirsthand.com/2010/05/15/alexander-the-great-and-chandragupta-maurya/

… discussed whether Alexander the Great really went as far as India in his short but busy life.


What we need

Read this, then scroll down the page to see why I thought it funny…. Someone said…

The budget should be balanced,
the Treasury should be refilled,
public debt should be reduced,
the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled,
and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest we become bankrupt.

People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

Sound good? It did to me, too. But….

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It was said by Cicero in Rome in 55 BC. Don't hold your breath for implementaion.


A positive attitude

Winston Churchill, at a low point in WW II when the Germans were at the height of their success. Churchill had been asked when he thought the Germans would get in their boats and invade Britain.

"We have been waiting for the German invasion for a long time.

"So have the fishes."


Really short.. but it does make sense. Think about it….

Common sense isn't


Committees

"What is a committee?

A group of the unwilling,
picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary."

Attributed to Richard Harkness, New York Times, 15 June 1960
Appeared in "The way through the woods", Colin Dexter, a "Morse" novel.

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